


Sweet Valley recaps

by MrToddWilkins (orphan_account)



Series: Sweet Valley stuff [1]
Category: Sweet Valley High - Francine Pascal
Genre: i won’t be posting the comments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 13:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22947634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/MrToddWilkins
Summary: The New Jessica, SVH#32
Series: Sweet Valley stuff [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1649167





	1. May 2,2007

**Sweet Valley High #1:_ Double Love_**

  
I got home from work and read the first book in about an hour. I've never done a writeup or recap like this before, so please bear with me if it's too long or boring or anything. And feel free to jump in anytime; any members of the community can reply and make posts!  
  
So, let's start with the first book.  
  


Jessica manipulates everyone she sees, and Elizabeth enables it and lets Jessica treat her like crap. That’s…pretty much all there is to this introduction to Sweet Valley. It neatly sums up the Wakefield twins’ entire relationship.

But let me begin at the beginning. On page two, we learn that Jessica Wakefield is “the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old girl imaginable,” and on page three, we learn that Elizabeth looks exactly like her. They make sure to explain to us, though, that in the depths of Jessica’s aquamarine eyes lurks a wicked gleam mischief – which may just be a code for bitchiness, or possibly sociopathy – while Elizabeth’s reflect only sincerity, because she’s lame.

So, here we go.

**The A Plot**

Todd Wilkins, handsome star of the basketball team, calls the Wakefield house before school one day and asks to talk to Liz. Jess is so pissed that a boy has called for her sister instead of her that she makes up her mind to keep the two of them apart and have him for herself, even though she doesn’t even really like him all that much, so Jess tells her sister that Todd had called to talk to her, not Liz.

Liz has a crush on Todd because one time he smiled at her in the cafeteria line, and another time he asked what their chemistry homework was. And he apparently has a tanned chest. Which, how would she know that just from seeing him at school? Whatever. She’s absolutely out-of-proportion devastated when Jess tells her that she’d just had a four minute conversation with Todd on the phone, but our Liz is a brave little toaster, and stoically reassures herself, “I can’t say anything at all about being upset and liking Todd, because it might spoil Jessica’s determination to always get what she wants no matter what!” So she cries in her room instead.

Anyway, versions of that same scenario happen about twenty different times, with Todd trying to talk to Liz and Jess intercepting him and making it all about her. Todd just seems vaguely confused about this, but doesn’t really try to do anything about it, which makes me think that he is perhaps not much of a brain trust. And Liz and puts on her very best martyr face, resolving to stand by Jess no matter what and never, ever speak up for herself, because Jess might get angry. God forbid.

Jessica, annoyed because Todd is just not that into her, lets bad boy Rick Andover pick her up while she walks home from school. Rick, apparently, recently dropped out of twelfth grade, has a hot sports car and plenty of money and _drinks alcohol_, but has no apparent job. And Jessica notes that he’s always out with a hot girl, because hot girls always line up to date drunken twelfth graders who’ve dropped out of school. Rick sexually harasses her into a date, and Jessica agrees because, unlike Todd, Rick thinks she’s hot, and Jessica requires constant validation.

Anyway, Rick takes Jess to Kelley’s, a bar that seems to show up again and again in this series whenever a trashy character or location is required. Jessica notes when Rick picks her up that he smells like alcohol, but thinks that and the fact that they’re going to Kelley’s is exciting. She gets inside and has a beer with him, but then when he tries to make out with her she does a total about-face, suddenly panicking and crying about needing to go home right away, because underneath her tough exterior, she really is kind of a wimp who needs Elizabeth to get her out of every single difficult situation she’s ever been in. Without even knowing, Elizabeth helps Jess out of this jam when Rick starts a fight, and the police bring Jess home. Because she’s a terrible person who refuses to face the consequences for anything she does, she gives her name as Elizabeth Wakefield, and when the cop drops her off, Caroline Pierce, the biggest gossip in school, hears and immediately calls everyone in the phone book.

The next morning at school, everyone stares at Elizabeth and Bruce Patman even congratulates her on her newfound skankitude, but Liz has no idea what’s going on. And suddenly Todd is all conflicted about his crush on her, because he just doesn’t know if he can _forgive_ her for going to a bar with Rick and being brought home by the police. Never mind that Todd doesn’t even _know_ her – he’s only spoken to her, like, twice, and exchanged a couple moony smiles in the cafeteria – but it’s suddenly it’s his business to absolve her for riding in a car with Rick? And Elizabeth’s drippy best friend Enid has a new boyfriend named Ronnie who’s all, “What she did was unforgivable,” like, butt out, ass. How is it any of your business? And who _asked_you to forgive her?

Liz finally figures it out and tries to talk to Jessica about it, but Jess doesn’t feel a bit bad for what she did, even though it completely ruined Elizabeth’s reputation, because Jess pretty much has no conscience, and, of course, Liz doesn’t hold her accountable. (What she actually said was that she doesn't think it's any big deal, but can't bear the thought of everyone knowing it was actually her, and that she didn't think Elizabeth would mind because Liz isn't a cheerleader. What? And Liz is just sort of like, "Oh...well...I do mind a lot, but please don't cry, Jessica, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!") Repeat that same scene about twenty times, and you have the middle of the book.

During a confrontation on the football field, Bruce calls Elizabeth a slut in front of the whole school. To be fair, he doesn’t use that exact word; talking to Jessica, he refers to “your sister the pub crawler. And I do mean crawler!” Liz is humiliated and Jess, in an extremely rare moment of humanity, confesses to Todd that it really was her at Kelley’s with Rick. Todd is kind of dumb, as we’ve already covered, and so he makes up this elaborate scenario in his head that Jess is lying to take the blame for Liz the barfly, and then makes out with Jess in front of everyone and asks her to the big dance. Even though he doesn’t actually like her that way. What a genius.

Bruce asks Liz to the dance too, but is really like, “Hey, you’re a big tramp, so how about you come to the dance with me and we can get nasty in my Porsche?” Oh, and he calls her Roadhouse Rhoda. Because he’s seventy. Liz is rescued from Bruce’s sexual harassment by class clown Winston Egbert, who asks her to the dance after Bruce threateningly threatens to stuff him in a trash can for interrupting his play for the Wakefield hooor. Yes, threatening to stuff Winston in a trash can was apparently the best they could do to get across that Bruce is a badass. I don’t know.

Todd and Winston show up at the same time to pick the twins up for the dance, and Todd is pissed that Liz is going with someone else, even though he didn’t even ask her and is still conflicted about forgiving Liz for something that didn’t even concern him, and which he has been told, flat out, was actually done by Jessica. Because he’s dumb. But everyone goes to the dance, and Winston is sad because he’s in love with Jessica (though I can’t understand why) and Liz is sad because she still likes Todd (even though he’s appointed himself the sexual police of SVH) and Todd is sad because he still likes Liz (even though he’s not sure if he can forgive her for something HE WAS TOLD SHE DIDN’T EVEN DO though even if she had, it would still be none of his business), and Jess is _pissed_ because she can tell that Todd would rather be with her sister (which shouldn’t be news to her because she knew that he preferred Liz from that phone call at the very beginning, and has spent the entire book manipulating him away) and because he only gives her a kiss on the cheek goodnight because he’s Just Not That Into Her, even though he’d made out with her in front of the whole school just the day before.

So Jessica gets her revenge by coming home from the dance and telling Liz that Todd tried to date rape her.

And Liz believes it. Because why would her sister ever lie? Except for how she lies ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Which means that, when Todd calls Liz to ask her out and tell her that he’s forgiven her for going to that bar (WHICH HE HAS BEEN TOLD SHE DIDN’T DO. GOD.), instead of telling him off for being a presumptuous moron to believe that she needed or wanted his forgiveness for something she DIDN’T DO when she WASN’T EVEN DATING HIM, or calling him out for being an attempted date rapist, she’s just kind of snotty and eventually hangs up. Because that’s obviously better.

But, a few days later, Rick carjacks the Wakefields in their Italian sportscar and takes them on a joyride through the Dairy Burger parking lot (…yeah) and Todd hops in his Datsun and rescues them, punching Rick out.

Hee.

And then Liz and Todd make out. Even though, as far as she knows, he’s still an attempted date rapist.

Todd takes them home and Jessica swans inside the Wakefield house, acting like nothing is wrong. Outside, Todd is all, “Wait, so you really _didn’t_ go to that skanky bar?” and Liz is like, “DUH. My sister TOLD you I didn’t,” and he’s all, “Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I thought she was lying. My bad.” And then Liz is all, “So, you didn’t try to date rape my sister?” and he was all, “What?! No! I just kissed her on the cheek!” and she’s all, “Oh. I bet that made her mad.” And then they have a good, hearty laugh over that high-spirited Jessica and her wacky hijinks.

And then Elizabeth has people throw Jessica in a pool at a party the next day. Because _that’s_ proportional revenge for being the heinous bitch who wrecked your sister’s reputation and made her believe that her perfectly nice, if somewhat dim crush is a date rapist.

Oh, and Enid has a deep dark secret that we will, no doubt, learn all about in the next book.

**The B Plot**

The twins’ brother Steven is dating Tricia Martin, but her dad is an alcoholic and her sister Betsy is a drug addict who sleeps around, so Steven never wants to be seen with Tricia in public. Tricia could give Liz backbone lessons, because she tosses Steven out on his ear for this, and Steven is unbearably mopey for the _entire book_, but then his parents tell him to apologize. He does, and Tricia takes him back. The whole thing is solved in half a page.

Oh, and the Patmans want to build a formal garden on the SVH football field, and Mr. Fowler wants to build a factory. The judge says it can stay a football field. Mr. Wakefield is the lawyer for the school, and because he’s been working long hours on the case, Jess, Liz, and Steve become convinced he’s sleeping with his associate. The kids freak out about it for the _entire book_, but then it turns out they really were just working on the case. The whole thing is solved in a page.


	2. May 3,2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The New Jessica, SVH#32

Plot A: Jessica is sick and tired of being an identical twin. She wants people to know she's an individual (like anybody would ever think otherwise) rather than just a clone of Liz. It annoys her that Liz doesn't seem to care, but just acts condescending and grown-up together with their parents, when she complains. The straw that broke the camel's back came, however, when she borrows a dress from Liz and - gasp - everybody at school think she's Liz. Jeffrey even has the audacity to be _disappointed_ that she's Jessica instead. When even Lila mistakes her for Liz, Jessica knows it's time to do something drastic.  
  
And when Jessica says drastic, she _means_ drastic. She dyes her hair jet black (with a dye that apparently only lasts 2 washes - if that. Lucky break there, Jess, even if it is highly unlikely. I've yet to see a single do-it-yourself hair dye (theater makeup excluded) that didn't last for at least 5 washes - usually 10. But I digress), borrows heaps of clothes from Lila and starts wearing even more makeup than usual.  
  
Remind me again, these girls are SIXTEEN, right? They definitely don't look, act or talk like it. 18 perhaps, but not 16.  
  
Liz hates Jess' new look, because all of a sudden they're not <sob> twin sisters <sob> anymore <sob sob>. Why is it that in all YA books I've read, nobody is EVER pleased when somebody gets a makeover? Granted, this one is even more drastic than most, but still. Jessica's parents aren't too thrilled either, but realize she's old enough to live her own life, and of course everybody at school LOVES it. Even Jeffrey who goes on about it so much, that Liz thinks he's in love with Jessica instead of her, and instead of talking to him about it like an ordinary person, she blows up on him and cancels their date instead. Real mature of you there, Liz, you're actually acting your age for once!  
  
Jessica doesn't just want to look different, she wants to BE different, so when one of her friends mentions modeling, she jumps at the idea. And lucky for her, not only is she able to get a meeting with an agent, he's willing to take her on AND there's a catwalk available just a couple of weeks later! Jessica really says it best herself, "She knew some girls had to wait ages before breaking into modeling. And here she was, practically guaranteed a runway job at Lytton and Brown in just two weeks!"  
  
Of course, life isn't really _that_ easy after all, and it turns out the art director of L&B wants somebody less stylish, less sophisticated, somebody just like... well, just like Elizabeth of course! So Jessica ends up having to wash off all her makeup and hair dye and go right back to being the "beautiful, 5 feet 6, blond, sixteen-year-old" she always was.

Plot B: Already within the first 5 lines Liz mentions writing in her journal about falling in love with Jeffery French, which threw me for a loop the first time I read it, as I thought she was with Todd forever and ever (except for the brief insanity episode in "Dear Sister"). However, we're soon told that Liz and Todd didn't break up because they were no longer in love - oh no, not they - but because Todd moved to Vermont with his family, and long-distance relationships are just too hard.  
  
Jessica approves of Jeffery, and even prefers him to 'quiet and boring Todd', which makes me wonder what's wrong with him (Jeff, not Todd).  
  
Turns out Liz takes her journal _everywhere_ and doesn't take care to put it back when no longer using it, so she loses it. I totally feel for her, because I know how much I would hate losing my journal, but am I the only one thinking she ought to have taken better care of it in the first place?  
  
She panics and uses the rest of the book alternatively freaking out about her journal, Jeffrey and Jessica. J is obviously not a good letter for Liz in book #32!  
  
Thankfully she gets it back, Jessica goes back to being a blonde, Jeffrey really does love her and not Jessica, and everybody lives happily ever after... or at least until book #33, which we - as always - get an introduction to before the book ends.


	3. May 5,2007

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister

We open at Fowler Memorial Hospital, where Elizabeth Wakefield is in a coma. And how do we know she’s in a truly grave situation? Because she has _lost her tan_. I _know_. The humanity. Jessica sits by her hospital bed and sobs out how much she loves Liz, and begs Liz not to die. A hot neurosurgeon comes in and tells Jess, “You must be her sister. I can see a resemblance.” They’re identical, dork.

Jess tells Hot Doctor the backstory on Liz’s coma, in case we haven’t read book six. Which we haven’t. So, it turns out that Todd had a motorcycle, but the twins had a cousin who died in a motorcycle accident so they’re not allowed to ride them. Enid had a birthday party at the country club, and Jessica ditched Liz there, so Liz had no choice but to ride on Todd’s bike (although she could’ve called her parents for a ride, or a cab, or just about anything else, especially after she saw that Todd didn’t have a helmet for her, because what kind of moronic death wish do you have to have to get on a motorcycle without a helmet?). Todd had just made a deal to sell his bike, so it was the last ride they’d ever take, so of course they got hit by an out of control van. Van Driver (a gentleman apparently named _Crunch MacAllister_) and Todd walked away without a scratch, and poor, innocent Elizabeth is in a coma.

The doctor tells Jess that he can only do so much, but making Liz better is really up to her. Uh huh. He tells Jess that she can make Liz better by talking to her, and trying to reach her. So Jessica, obediently following the directions as her mind has twisted them, does a complete 180 and spends the rest of the chapter berating Liz for having the nerve to be near death. Doesn’t she realize Jess _needs_ her! She’s being so selfish! Jess will _hate her forever _if she dies! The doctor passes by again and is like, “Um? That’s not exactly what I meant. Just talk about school or whatever.” Jess is properly chastened, and talks for a bit about how wonderful Liz is compared to her (true), and how much everyone loves Liz (true), and how much Jess sucks and is so irresponsible all the time (so true). So she’s getting some self-awareness out of this ordeal, anyway. Then Liz wakes up. That didn’t take long.

The next day, Liz has a tantrum about her lack of tan. I don’t know. And then she blows off Todd when he comes to visit, but is outgoing and vivacious for the hot doctor. Todd gets angry and leaves, telling Jessica, “I guess doctors are more interesting than basketball players.” Well, probably smarter, anyway.

Liz has to stay home for two weeks, and she is bored. Bored bored BORED! And she doesn’t want to read, because reading is boring. She wants to have a party! And invite all the hot boys at school, but none of the girls! Jess is _scandalized_, even though, secretly, you know it’s the kind of party she’s always wanted to have too. She says, “We can’t do that! Because then the girls would all hate us, and they’d stop inviting us to their parties, and boys almost never give parties, so we’d never go anywhere again!”

Liz grudgingly agrees to invite girls to the party, but when Todd stops by, she tells Jess to get rid of him. Todd asks if Jess has noticed that Liz is acting differently, and Jess tells him off for daring to ever question anything about her sister. There’s a brilliant aside during this conversation:

“Orders are orders,” Jessica insisted. “Once Liz gets back to school, everything will return to normal. You know how much she likes school. She’ll probably have all the work made up and a dozen stories finished for _The Oracle_before I finish that one stupid book report on _Moby Dick_. I mean, Todd, who really cares about whales?” Jessica asked in annoyance.

Todd did, but he let the comment slide by.

Hee. Of course he did. And they’re still writing book reports in eleventh grade in the Sweet Valley school system?

Liz goes back to school, wearing a green minidress that Mrs. Wakefield bought her. Everyone thinks she’s Jess, and Jess, in her jeans and button down, is mistaken for Liz all day. Todd bugs Jess some more about Liz dressing trashy, but Jess tells him off again. Nobody had better question her sister!

That weekend, Liz blows Jess off to go shopping for a new string bikini, making Jess do all the setup work for the pool party. Then, she flirts with all the guys there except Todd (who spends the whole time being a wallflower with Jessica, the two of them staring at Liz creepily for the entire party). Liz’s newfound flirting skilz mean Jessica has to make sure everyone has enough soda and onion dip, which is apparently a gigantic pain. Jess finally clues in that Liz is acting like she usually does, which seems to prompt some kind of pool party existential crisis:

Elizabeth had somehow turned into her, Jessica! She was even out-Jessica-ing her. It couldn’t happen. It must not be allowed to happen.

_If she’s Jessica_, she agonized, _then who am I?_

The next night, over a family dinner, Mr. Wakefield announces that his friends, the Perceys, are going to Europe for two weeks and so their identical twelve year old twin daughters will be staying with the Wakefields. The twins’ names are Jean and Joan, but let’s face it: they’re really Plot Device 1 and Plot Device 2, existing only to further highlight Liz’s downward spiral into Jessicahood. The Plot Devices show up, and the Wakefields leave to play bridge. Yeah, I don’t know.

Anyway, Liz puts on a micromini and ditches the kids to go on a date. Jess has a date too, to the drive in to make out with a boy named Danny Stauffer (“Did I ever tell you about the front seat in Danny’s car? It slides back and reclines and—and I probably don’t have to draw you a picture, do I?”) but when Danny shows up and Jess tells him they’ll have to bring the Plot Devices, he says, “No way. I told you I planned to get to _at least_ second base tonight.” So, instead of just telling him to go away or rescheduling or something, Jessica decides the smart thing to do is to promise him some unidentified sexual favors to get him to take the girls to the movies:

“Danny,” she said hesitantly. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Make it up? How?”

Jessica knew she was getting in deeper than she wanted to, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. “Any way you want,” she finally said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay! Let’s go, munchkins. You don’t look much like lucky charms, but that’s what you’re turning out to be.”

What a creepy exchange. Anyway, the Plot Devices misbehave at the movie; they talk all the way through it and Danny has to spend a fortune on popcorn and soda and candy, and Jess is so fed up that she cries when she gets home. She tries to talk to her parents, but in this book they’re probably the worst parents in the world in that 1980s sitcom tradition, and so they just praise how much they’ve noticed Jess is changing for the better, without giving any indication that they’ve noticed or have heard Jessica explaining that Liz is changing for the worse.

Then Liz wakes up crying from a nightmare and hugs Jess. I don’t know.

At school, Enid (and I just have to say, what kind of name is Enid? What? Seriously?) tries to talk to Jess about Liz being a bitch to her. Jess doesn’t even like Enid, but feels sorry for her and invites her to the Dairi Burger after school. While they’re all there, Liz tries to steal Enid’s boyfriend. Hee.

Liz flirts with Ken Matthews right in front of Susan, his girlfriend. This becomes important later, sort of. She also lies to the guidance counselor about having dizzy spells to put off doing her makeup work. Then she complains to Winston Egbert about the gigantic history paper on the Punic Wars that she needs to turn in. Eleventh graders are researching the Punic Wars in history, but still writing book reports in English? What a strange school. Winston got an A+ on the paper because he’s all into Carthage or something, so he tells Liz she can see his to copy the source list. She puts her name on top and turns it in, because she’s stupid. How could she think, in her wildest dreams, that she wouldn’t get busted for that?

Todd can’t make free throws anymore, because he’s so upset about Liz chasing every boy at school except him. He worries that he won’t live up to his nickname, _Wizzer Wilkins_, at the game against Big Mesa. Do they ever play any schools besides Big Mesa? Actually, they played Palisades High in the first book, but I seriously think there might be only three high schools in their entire league. At the game, Liz sits next to Ken Matthews and flirts with him the whole time, so Todd misses all his shots and then hits a Big Mesa player. He gets benched, and the team tells the coach that his girlfriend used to be the nicest girl in school but now is a big old ho. The coach benches Todd and tells him to use this time to fix his girlfriend, even though he’s just a sixteen year old boy. Jeez. Nothing like putting pressure on a kid.

Liz tries to steal Lila’s boyfriend.

Liz writes a fake notice in _The Oracle_ that Ken Matthews’s girlfriend is cheating on him, and Mr. Collins kicks Liz off the paper for a breach of gossip column ethics. Hee. He also tells her, “Friends don’t dish each other applesauce.” I was absolutely bewildered for a moment, before it dawned on me that he actually meant bullshit. Mr. Collins helpfully tells Liz that she’s one messed up girl, and she storms out.

Liz’s parents bust her for the term paper and she’s grounded. Then they yell at Jess for not stopping her from doing it. See what I mean? Worst parents ever.

Jess comes home from school and finds Todd sitting on their front porch. He’s taken the Coach’s instructions literally, and is going to try to fix Liz’s head. I don’t know what he imagines he’s going to do, but okay. He and Jess pace, and Jess complains that, instead of asking her out, boys are always asking her to put in a good word for her easy sister. Very sensitive, to say that to the girl’s boyfriend. And also, way to have your priorities in line. Liz pulls up on a motorcycle with Max Dellon, lead guitarist of the Droids, Sweet Valley High’s hottest band, and Jess threatens to tell on her, but at least she’s wearing a helmet this time. Todd chases the motorcycle down in his Datsun (that Datsun sure gets a lot of action), grabs Liz’s wrists, physically pulls Liz off of the bike, and stuffs her in the car. Max doesn’t even try to stop him; he’s just like, “Hey, man. Ease off. Oh well.” Liz is like, “Freak! You’re kidnapping me!” – which he is – and tells him to take her home. He tries to talk to her, but she blows him off.

Jessica drives the Plot Devices to a flute audition because Liz is grounded, gets a speeding ticket, and dents the car. Then she sees Danny making out with another girl. Who’s Danny? Exactly. I don’t even know why he existed in this book, but apparently he’s not too interested in claiming Jess’s marker for taking the kids to the movies. Anyway, she cries.

Lila has a party where people are supposed to come alone, in costume, and pick people up. The twins beg their parents to let Liz go; they protest that she’s grounded which means no dates, and Jess points out that this is a pickup party, so Liz won’t be going with a date, so the parents give in. Wow. Because she stole Winston’s term paper, she was too grounded to drive those kids to their audition, but not grounded enough to stay home from a costume party? Way to practice consistent discipline with your teenaged daughters, Ned and Alice. You guys are practically parents of the year. 

The twins dress like matadors for the party (Seriously? Matadors? Okay….). Jess and Todd stand on the sidelines and watch Liz some more. This time, she dances and flirts with Bruce Patman, who thinks she’s Jessica until Max-with-the-motorcycle points out his mistake. They make out, and Bruce takes a small bottle out of his pocket and offers Liz a drink. She swigs the airplane Jim Beam or whatever, and Bruce tells her to take it easy. Then he thinks, “She’s in my power!” Creeeeeepy.

They ditch the party for Bruce’s dad’s beach club, and make out in the 1BRUCE1 Porsche. Bruce wants to take a blanket down to the beach and get freaky, but Liz wants to go inside with the rest of the kids and have some more booze, because she’s a drunk now in addition to being a hoor. _So Bruce_ _reaches behind the driver’s seat and pulls out an open bottle of warm wine and a paper cup_. _A PAPER CUP_. What a prince. How hilariously prepared of him. This book is so awesome.

Bruce plans to get her drunk and sex her up, but Todd shows up in his trusty Datsun, pulls Bruce out of the Porsche, and knocks him out with one punch. What a badass. Then he just leaves Bruce lying on the ground and loads Liz into his car. She slurs her words and passes out while he buckles her up, all from a couple swallows out of an airplane bottle and a Dixie cup of wine. Wow.

Sensitive surfer Bill Chase asks Todd’s permission to ask Liz out on a date, because he’s always been in love with her from afar but never did anything because he’s friends with Todd. Todd is all passive aggressive about it, but eventually says, “It’s not my business who she goes out with.” Except for how, every time she tries to go on a date, he chases her down, yells at/punches out her companion, and then physically forces her into his Datsun. Did I mention how much I love this book?

Bill asks Liz out for Saturday, and she says yes. But then Bruce asks her out too (for SEXING) and she says yes.

Bill shows up on Saturday, and Jess begins to make excuses for why Liz is gone (Jess thinks she’s spending the night at Enid’s) but then a glimmer of the old Jessica returns and she runs upstairs, telling Bill that Liz will be right down. She changes into Liz’s clothes and comes back down, smiling demurely. You see, Jess once asked Bill to a Sadie Hawkins dance, and he told her he couldn’t make it. Nobody says no to Jessica Wakefield, and now she’s going to be able to wreak her revenge. Bill and Jess are only at the Beach Disco for about ten minutes before he starts vowing his undying love, which is not at all creepy, and Jessica smiles and tells him that she thinks he actually loves her sister. Bill is like, “Jessica? That’s stupid; she sucks.” Hee.

Meanwhile, at the Patman beach house of iniquity, Bruce and Liz are making out. Bruce _touches her breast_, which was HUGELY scandalous to me when I was eleven, but she goes with it. He’s all excited because Liz hasn’t ever made a secret out of the fact that she hates his guts, so once he sleeps with her he’s planning to brag to everyone at school.

Sidebar: why do the Patmans have a beach house in the same town where their actual house is? They just like having another mansion a convenient ten minute drive away? Weird.

So he leaves her on the bed and goes downstairs to get some wine. Liz decides to refresh her makeup before he gets back, trips on the rug, and smacks her head on a table. That smack is enough to set all to rights, because suddenly she is the same old Elizabeth, good and responsible and confused as hell about what she’s doing in this room. She’s even more surprised when Bruce shows up again. She’s all, “Wha?” and he pours her a glass of wine, saying, “Have a slug of this and you’ll be fine.” Classy. Needless to say, she's not having any of it.

Bruce is furious at losing out on the sexing (and the post-coital gloating too, or perhaps that most of all) and Liz has no idea how she even wound up at his house, but she’s positive she never would’ve gone there willingly, so she accuses Bruce of kidnapping her. No, Liz, that’s Todd’s specialty.

And then, Bruce turns into an attempted rapist:

“Let me out of here!”

“Oh, no, you don’t. You’re going to give me what I want, what you promised.”

“I didn’t promise. I couldn’t have! Get out of my way!”

Bruce grabbed her and pulled her close. He tried to kss her, but she turned her face away and pushed with all her strength against his shoulders, trying to free herself. Roughly he seized her wrists, and she was helpless.

“I’ve got real strong hands, Liz,” he said. “From tennis, see? Now, you listen to me. You give me what I want, or I’ll tell this whole thing all over school. You want that? What would all your friends think of you then?”

Scary. And, also, wasn’t he planning to tell it all over school anyway just two pages ago? Bruce forces her to kiss him, and Liz bites his lip. Suddenly he’s a big old wimp, holding his lip and crying and not being a rapist anymore. Liz tells him that if he tells anyone they had sex, she’ll tell everyone about the attempted rape, and she runs for it.

Outside, she runs into Todd. I have no idea what he was doing there, but it’s awfully convenient, isn’t it! Todd is like, “Oh, Liz, I can tell by the light of sincerity in your eyes that you are back to normal!” She tells him Bruce tried to rape her, and Todd takes her directly to the police station so Elizabeth can file charges. No, I kid. Actually, Todd tells her, “Well, whatever. You’re safe now,” and they make out.

At the Beach Disco, Bill keeps insisting, “I don’t love Jessica, I love you!” Jess finally tells him, “Then you _do_ love Jessica, because that’s who I am!” Instead of telling her off for impersonating her sister on a date with him, Bill dopily thinks, “Huh. Then maybe I _do_ love Jessica!” Well, we couldn’t hope for much, brain-wise. He is friends with Todd, after all.

The End


	4. May 20,2007

**Sweet Valley High #17 - Love Letters**, or, The Girl Who Didn't Know When To Stop  
**  
The A Plot:** Caroline Pearce has had enough of being unnoticed and unpopular, but instead of realizing her gossiping ways may have something to do with the latter, she concentrates on the former and invents an out-of-town boyfriend, Adam, who sends her romantic letters on a regular basis. Jessica catches on to the fact that something is wrong, when she recognizes parts of Adam's letters in the play Elizabeth is writing about Elizabeth and Robert Browning, and immediately jumps to the - this time correct - conclusion that he's made-up. Instead of just confronting Caroline about it, she decides to bring her down a notch by making Lila throw a party in Adam's honour. Caroline comes clean to Liz, who thinks that Jess is being too mean about the whole thing, and therefore gets Todd to find an Adam stand-in. This allows Caroline to save face, but she realizes she cannot live a lie any longer and confesses everything at the party anyway. The Adam-stand-in ends up being totally crazy about Caroline, so all's well that ends well - except for Jess who doesn't think Caroline got nearly as humiliated as she deserved. My, my, my, what a generous spirit that Jessica has.  
  
**The B Plot:** Caroline happens to notice a photocopy of a letter in the Wakefield trash, and instead of doing the honest thing and just leaving it be, she reads it and then pockets it, figuring that "she doesn't look for gossip, it looks for her!" The letter is from Alice Wakefield to a company in San Fransisco, saying that she's considering their offer of a job there. Caroline assumes Jessica already knows they may be moving to SF and mentions it in front of her friends. Jessica doesn't want to give Caroline the satisfaction of seeing her shocked, so she plays along, only to freak out on her parents that evening. I actually kinda understand her here, it's a shitty situation. Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield admit that they're considering it, but they didn't want to tell the twins anything about it, until they'd decided. After discovering that throwing tantrums won't get them anywhere, Jessica and Elizabeth decide on a different plan of action - reminding their parents of all the wonderful things about Sweet Valley, while pointing out all the dangers of SF at the same time. As always they go totally overboard, but are totally clueless to the fact that their parents might suspect something was up. Fortunately their parents end up deciding not to take the job, so they all live happily in Sweet Valley ever after... at least until the next crisis.  
  
**The List**

    * At first I thought Adam's letters were totally unbelievable, and that it was even more unbelievable that Caroline would just show them to anybody _if they'd been real_ and that her eagerness to share them would be my first clue that something was up. But then I thought back to when I was that age - I had a long-distance boyfriend, so our only regular means of communication was through email. Some of the things he wrote (which I thought soooooo romantic back then, and extremely tacky/sappy now) actually weren't all that different from the things Caroline had Adam write. And if I'd thought anybody was interested in reading his letters, I would gladly have let them. So I guess it's not too unlikely after all.

    * When pressed for a photo of Adam, she finds one that shows his ARM and nothing else? How does she even THINK that will fool anybody?

    * Accidentally seeing a letter in the trash is one thing, but by picking it up, reading it and then pocketting it, Caroline really crosses the line between being a gossip and being a borderline stalker.

    * When Caroline presents the letter to Jessica, how come Jess doesn't call her out on where she got the letter from? If I were Caroline I would be too ashamed of having read the letter, let alone take it, to ever admit either! What did she think Jessica would say? "Oh, of course my Mom send's photocopies of all her correspondance to you. Why wouldn't she?" Sheesh!

    * I wonder why Caroline never thought about saying that she and Adam had broken up after the party rather than admitting she'd been lying. Kudos to her for being honest, of course, but most 16-year-old girls I know/knew would have taken that way out instead.

    * I actually think Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield were unreasonable to seriously consider a move to SF without mentioning it to the girls. After all, they are 16 and not 10. They're old enough and it's a big enough decision that they deserve to have some say in it.

    * Apparently spamming people with ads is a good way of making them appreciate the good things about a place? Who knew?

    * Oh, but really Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield decided quite quickly not to move, as it wouldn't be fair on the twins, but dear old dad decided not to tell them for a couple of days as a way of punishing them. Punishing them for what? Being teenagers who happen to like where they live, and not immediately being thrilled for their mother's sake that she got a great job offer that requires them to leave? Well, excuse me, I wouldn't have been all that thrilled either!

  
So what did we learn from this book? If you're being deceptive and setting yourself up for a fall, somebody will bail you out in the end, and if you then decide to be honest about it, you may even get a boyfriend for all your troubles! Oh, and The Twins(TM) can do anything they set their mind to.


	5. May 26,2007

This book starts out with another party. I know, another party! This time, they are celebrating Elizabeth's return from being kidnapped by that crazy psycho whatsisname in book 13. Elizabeth opens the door to her home and looks into the face of Nicholas Morrow, both of whom have never met. Liz can tell instantly that despite is dashing good looks, he is intelligent as well. Nicholas on the other hand, falls madly in love with Liz, even though he knows _nothing_ about her. As an added plot twist, Jessica also falls in love with Nicholas. Why? Well because he's hot and he's "so fabulously rich he can afford to drive around in a jeep," which are apparently more expensive than Porsches and Ferraris.  
  
So then we have some more partying, where in we see Robin, who apparently is still suffering with her eating disorder in order to be popular. But it's ok, because her boyfriend Allen is eating for her. Now that's real love, right there. And then there's more partying....Liz is being followed by Nicholas everywhere she goes. Now, I would think this to be crazy and stalkerish, but she doesn't think anything of it, even though she wants to spend time with Trusty Boyfriend Todd.   
  
There is brief mention of Liz and Jessica's older brother Steven not being at the party. His girlfriend has Leukemia and therefore, he's moping in his room. Because it's not like his girlfriend is dying of cancer or anything.  
  
Liz meets Regina, they talk and then it goes on to the next chapter. And the party continues...Jessica is wearing a "black pantsuit with a plunging neckline." Ned and Alice are also at this party, so why they are letting their 16 year old daughter look like a slut, I dunno. Anyway, Nicholas continues to stalk Liz, finally trying to con her into dating her, by arguing that she's too young to "go steady." Who uses that term in 1984? Liz can't hurt Nicholas' feelings, so she finally agrees to go to dinner with him. But she's not going to tell Todd, because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings either.   
  
Then we shoot back to Jessica, who is doing a con job on Randy. Randy is a nerd. But he's a nerd with a computer. And in 1984, we know what a rarity this is. Jessica has a sudden interest in computers, which has nothing to do with the fact that Nicholas Morrow's family is in the computer business and she's trying to relate to him so he'll like her instead of Liz, which she doesn't know Nicholas likes Liz. Nothing like that is going on. At all. Randy, because he's a nerd, cannot tell that Jessica is trying to con him. So he falls for it and agrees to teach Jessica about computer.   
  
Jessica then corners Liz and tells her all about how she loves Nicholas, and she's sure Nicholas loves her. Liz doesn't tell her that Nicholas has already professed his undying love to Liz. That wouldn't make for a good story, now would it? Jessica goes on about how never in her 16 years has she found someone like Nicholas and how she's been waiting for him for, "practically forever." Forever being 16 years, of course.  
  
Fast foward a little bit. Jessica is meeting up with Randy to learn about computers. She silently makes the remark, "Doesn't Randy know he's a nerd?" No, I'm sure that thought has never crossed his mind, you bitch. Anyway, she continues to suck up to him and flirt with him and of course, poor, nerdly Randy actually believes Jessica likes him. He offers to tutor in math since she tells him how much she sucks and she agrees. Little does he know, this is only the beginning of Jessica's nefarious plot.  
  
In the next chapter, the twins are at the mall. Well, actually Jessica wanted to go to the mall and since she's not allowed to drive, Liz has to take her. Who should they run into but Nicholas Morrow! He's showing clients around of course. No stalkerish behavior here. He flirts with Liz, which Jessica somehow transposes on to herself. I'm not sure what planet she's living on.  
  
In the next big scene, Jessica again meets up with Randy, though she's late. But Randy is a nerd and waits for her, not realizing she is of course, almost standing him up. A watch doesn't go with her outfit, after all. Back at Randy's house, Jessica cons Randy into using the internets to hack his way through the series of tubes and get into the Sweet Valley database and change her math grade from an F to a C. He doesn't want to, but then Jessica pouts and he caves in. This is as close as we get to sexual favors.   
  
At home, Jessica whines and complains that nobody in the world loves her or cares about her. Stop being emo, you callous bitch. Oh wait, that's just me. Liz didn't say that. Then Randy calls and says he's going to turn himself in for changing Jessica's math grade because he feels guilty and he doesn't want to ruin is chances of being a systems programmer or anything else. Never fear, Randy. There's always fast food! Liz just so happens to listen in on the call and she makes Jessica march her happy ass to Sweet Valley High and turn herself in to the principal.  
  
The principal is pissed but because Liz sweet talks him, Randy and Jessica are let go with a warning to never do it again. Oh, and Jessica's grade is returned to an F. Heaven forbid, we actually punish the spoiled brat or something.  
  
A couple days go by, Liz has a date with Todd, and some more boring, inconsequential stuff happens that has nothing to do with the plot, but somehow progresses us foward to Sunday. Sunday! Liz borrows her mom's Fiat to go out of town to her date with Nicholas. The restaurant has some fancy French name, which I'm pretty sure is French for "our food stinks." Anyway, they have valet, which is French for "other people park your cars." Liz has never experienced this in all her rich and priviledged life. It's quite a culture shock for her.   
  
Dinner goes well. Liz eats more food, fat and calories in one sitting than I can eat in one day, and manages to convince Nicholas that they're better off as friends, since she's not attracted to him in that way and she loves Todd. Nicholas is a gentleman and accepts this offer of friendship, thanking her for giving him a chance. Things are going well. Until Todd stumbles onto the scence. Dum, dum, dum.  
  
As it turns out, Todd's mother's birthday is that night and for her dinner, they came to the same fancy French restaurant. So, since Liz never told Todd that she was going out to dinner, Todd thinks Liz is cheating on him. Which you know, isn't plausible or anything like that. Only! Liz pulls a fast one and claims she's Jessica. Poor Todd feels so shitty for not being able to recognize his own girlfriend, that he rushes over to the Wakefield's as quick as he can to tell Liz. Only, Jessica answers the door. Dum, dum, dum. DUH! DUM!   
  
So Todd accuses Liz of cheating on him and there's drama, drama, drama. Jessica also hates Liz cause she didn't tell her that she was going out with Nicholas and now Jessica is heartbroken because the only man she's ever loved (this week) doesn't love her back. So on, and so forth.  
  
Fast foward to the Championship game between Sweet Valley and you guessed it, Big Mesa. Liz is there covering the game for _The Oracle_because the sports guy is out sick or something. Todd cracks under all the emotional pressure and can't shoot a basket to save his life. Liz is practically in tears because her life is over, and all that jazz. But! Nicholas shows up and finds out what's going on. And he hatches a plan. See! Liz knew he was smart.  
  
Nicholas goes into the locker room at half time and talks to Todd, straightening the whole mess out. He explains that Liz loves Todd, and that she told Nicholas that on their date, meeting between friends. Todd realizes he was a moron for rationally assuming his one and only love to be cheating on him, goes back out, and wins the game for Sweet Valley. Because no one else on the team can shoot a hoop to save their life.   
  
Sweet Valley Wins the Championship and Liz and Todd are back together. So what do they do? Go to a party of course! So they're at this party. It's at Cara's house this time, when a call comes to the twins from Alice. Tricia, Steven's girlfriend, has taken a turn for the worse and it looks like she's going to die. The book ends with Liz and Jessica rushing to the hospital to be with their family.   
  
The End.   
  
  



End file.
